My friend discovered that her husband was looking at online porn every day. She is devastated and almost kicked him out of the house. She is heartbroken and they are in marriage counselling but she doesn’t know if she can ever forgive him. He started watching it because he was having trouble in the bedroom because of stress in his life. He can’t see that he has done anything wrong and he is shocked and devastated that he has upset her.
So, I was wondering if all women would think of their husbands as cheaters if they watch porn. She feels not good enough for him and that he needed younger women to get turned on etc.
I would be really interested to see what other wives think of husbands watching porn in secret and I’d love to hear your opinion on the matter too.
Dear Confused,
I am not going to use my usual sardonic style here as I realise many women are affected by this behaviour every day. Your friend may actually find reassurance in the fact that even young women with perfect bodies feel inadequate compared to the women in porn. Just as there’s nothing wrong with accepting porn in a partner’s life, women shouldn’t be made to feel different because they don’t like it. Your friend has every right to feel betrayed, angry, and jealous and confused however I can also understand the husband’s side too.
This shouldn’t be grounds for divorce. In the first instance he should be given the benefit of the doubt, as it sounds as though he was suffering from some kind of erectile dysfunction and sought out porn as a way to solve it. He doesn’t love the women involved, he just used the acts as a visual aid (whereas women imagine fantasies instead) and it’s true that he won’t see it as an act of betrayal at all.
HOWEVER! Now that it has been brought to his attention and he knows just how devastated his wife is, he should stop. If he has any respect for her feelings this should be quite simple. You say it’s daily? Maybe he’s developed a sex addiction, take our test here.
Also your friend may have a hard time forgiving. No doubt she is feeling inadequate, that’s completely understandable but maybe, if he’s willing to change they can use this to start afresh, something it sounds like they need.
As I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to assume that communication about the bedroom problem wasn’t as great as it could be? As a solid, strong couple would explore solutions together rather than going their separate ways. They could have watched a bit together so the sex resulted from it and brought them closer however he chose to do it alone, that’s what hurts the most.
Your friend must ask herself why he felt the need to go it alone. Was there anything she could have done to help? Did he feel under pressure to perform in the bedroom and sought some release where he knew his performance would not be judged? He is obviously remorseful and probably very embarrassed, this is a very private act, however your friend must explore with counselling the part she played in it too as I suspect had he felt comfortable enough to share his concerns, this wouldn’t have happened.
A good marriage involves trust and this has now been broken. That’s why it feels as bad as an affair. It seriously depends on your friend if she can forgive him or not, just like affairs, some marriages become stronger because of it whereas others are beyond repair. My advice (not everyone will agree with me but the whole point is to get many different perspectives) would be to take every day as it comes. Be true yourself. Realise your feelings are real. Even if he dismisses them and says your silly for feeling inferior or jealous, he can’t control the way you feel, you’ve every right to feel betrayed and hurt and every right to take steps to make those feelings go away. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to feel appreciated, loved and respected. Good Luck!
