Summary: I’ve made a promise to my husband to leave work in the office and to rediscover him as a lover and friend rather than just a dad and a business partner.
I wasn’t going to make any resolutions this year, I’m never great at sticking to them and when I fail I become quite disappointed in myself. Then my husband asked if he could have a one to one meeting with me in my office.
I should have realised something was amiss right there, who makes an appointment with their other half? Yet with the run up to Christmas making work busier than usual I simply accepted it and scheduled him in for a chat.
With our toddler asleep and the other two children at school he asked if I’d be willing to make a few changes. Immediately my defences went up as I’m not keen on criticism in any form.
In a general sense he asked if we could start to enjoy our lives. This left me a little confused so I asked for more detail.
He explained, “for the past year we’ve spent our free time doing up the house, organising finances, paying for new furniture for the kids bedrooms and the home and investing in our businesses. Now I’m asking that we stop, take a breath and actually enjoy what we’ve created. I’m sick of feeling guilty every time I sit down, thinking I should be doing something around the house. I want some stress free time and I want you to open your eyes too.”
At first I argued. Isn’t the guilt part of what mothers everywhere have experienced for centuries? The reason we have sayings such as “a woman’s work is never done” or, “there’s not enough hours in the day.” I’ve always felt guilty if I read a book instead of ironing uniforms or making packed lunches, it’s part of being a parent. I Unfairly I judged him, assuming he just wanted an easy life instead of the constant responsibility of children and work. I told him as such.
It seems I was well off the mark. “I miss us,” he said, “with the kids having later bedtimes and you working so much to pay for unnecessary things by the time we have any time alone together I’m falling asleep. We seem to have fallen into a rut where we do the bedtime routine of sorting the kids, then cooking for ourselves, before turning in for the night. I feel like we’ve forgotten why we’re together at all, we may make a great team in business and parenting but what about in love?”
He had a point. Although we still managed to be intimate even that was generally rushed. He continued, “You always talk about making more time for the kids, you always make sure you spend quality time with them every day and at weekends but you never think about making time for me.”
Then it really hit home, of course he was right. After nearly five years together we’d turned into a professional partnership, a well-oiled machine that was just that. Mechanical, efficient but without any emotion at all.
I knew making a New Year’s Resolution to simply spend more time together would not be enough. I had to be more specific to ensure a proper plan was in place and so I made the following promises:
- To eat as a family every night in order to remove the need for cooking again for us when the children are in bed.
- To start work earlier in a bid to finish earlier
- To fill in our anniversary and relationship journal weekly, to remember falling in love while creating new memories
- To take a day off a month while the children are at school/in childcare to relax and enjoy each other without any outside influences
- To make time to have sex at least twice a week.
I’ve invested in some new lingerie as I realised that at the beginning of the relationship I would always seek out new sexy outfits whereas I hadn’t bought, or worn anything remotely provocative in bed for over a year. My husband has also agreed to make the first move more as he will often hug me hoping I realise he wants sex when I just take it at face value, as a cuddle. I’ve found this has caused quite a bit of frustration and resentment.
Without cooking and eating after the children’s bed times we should have a good few hours to ourselves every night and we’ve improved the locks on the bedroom and living room doors with this in mind. Now all I have to do is stick to the changes and hope we fall in love all over again, it can go either way…
That’s why I’m recommitting to my relationship this year
